Use curiosity to ask people to explain their words.
Repeat their words back to them.
Remedy Revenge Strategy
Ending toxic words
Curiosity
Professional speaker and bestselling author Charmaine Hammond helps people resolve workplace conflict and have difficult conversations. Charmaine often makes specific statements.
“I can’t tell you how many thousands of times I have used these in my mediations and workplace team buildings I have been contracted to do.”
Charmaine’s conflict reducing statements include:
“I am curious what your reason for saying that was.”
“Help me understand your intent in sharing that with me.”
“I am curious why you felt the need to share something about that person with me.”
“I’d like to stop you there. I am uncomfortable having a conversation about ———- when they are not here to respond.”
Use other curiosity statements that fit each situation.
Express curiosity respectfully.
Your respect will attract support from bystanders.
Repetition
“It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted.”
“Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view…”
Tactical Empathy
The FBI “became experts in empathy” because tactical empathy saves lives in kidnapping situations.
“…really smart people often have trouble being negotiators—they’re so smart they think they don’t have anything to discover.”
“As I’ve worked with executives and students to develop these skills, I always try to reinforce the message that being right isn’t the key to a successful negotiation—having the right mindset is.”
“Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you can increase your influence in all the moments that follow.”
“Politics aside, empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side. It’s about understanding them. Empathy helps us learn the position the enemy is in, why they’re actions make sense (to them), and what might move them.”
Forced Empathy
In a voice tone that requests assistance ask:
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“This question has the positive effect of making the other side take a good look at your situation. This positive dynamic is what I refer to as “forced empathy,” and it’s especially effective if leading up to it you’ve already been empathic with your counterpart. This engages the dynamic of reciprocity to lead them to do something for you.”
On page 44, Voss suggests these mirroring steps in negotiations:
1: Use the late night FM DJ voice
2: Start with “I’m sorry…”
3: Mirror (repeat their last 1 to 3 words)
4: Silence for at least 4 seconds.
5: Repeat
Chris Voss with Tahl Raz
Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if your life depended on it
2016, pages 16, 25, 43, 52, 53-54, 167-168
https://www.blackswanltd.com/
© Paula M. Kramer, 2021 to the present
All rights reserved.
Updated January 26, 2026.