Taking Positive Control
Four 9 years, I wrote frequent letters to the editor of our local newspaper. I wrote factual letters that included my own experiences or what I found from doing research. I always cited the sources of my research. Other writers mostly wrote their opinions.
After a few years. an acquaintance said to me,
“You changed the whole tone of the letters in the newspaper.”
She had noticed that other letter writers were doing research and citing their sources in their letters. Far fewer opinion only letters.
Positive Purpose
Free Soft Skill Power Strategy #1 has 2 purposes.
First: To hold social media posters accountable for their words.
Second: To encourage social media readers to expect research and citations instead of opinions.
Most opinion posters never respond. Some opinion posters will write long responses. Their long responses often start with an insulting stereotype. I ignore both the long responses and the insults.
My most recent example included this insult in the first sentence of a long response:
“…lonely old hag.”
I responded this way.
I stopped reading at “hag.”
No list, no examples, no citations.
You fail.
The poster did not respond.
Other readers saw my request for a list, examples, and citations. They also saw me ignore the stereotype to emphasize that the poster had failed to provide a list, examples, and citations.
Insults have no power when we ignore them.
Requests for a list, examples, and citations have power when we repeat them.
Free Soft Skill Power Strategy #1
Provide Your List, Examples, Citations
When people insist on telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about or am stupid, I respond with this:
1st: List all of the professionals and government officials with direct experience who are coming to you for your expert opinion.
2nd: Give examples showing how they used your expert opinion in their own work.
3rd: Provide links where I can read how they cited your expert opinion as a resource for their work.
Repeat as necessary.
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Free Soft Skill Power Strategy #2
Why Are You Presenting Yourself As Stupid?
I experimented with this one a bit.
I decided on asking people a direct question.
No one has ever responded.
When people make claims without evidence, I ask for evidence. A good number of people get snitty and tell me to “Do your own research”or “Google it” because they “don’t have the time” to provide “lazy” me with their evidence.
This is my response (adjusted to the statement they use):
Why are you presenting yourself as stupid?
When PhD candidates defend their dissertations, do they say:
“These are my results. Do your own research on / Google my research method.”
“When professionals do business presentations, do they say:
This is my solution to your problem. Do your own research on / Google my problem-solving process.”
When lawyers are in court, do they say:
“This is what we believe happened. Do your own research for / Google our evidence.”
Note that I am not saying “You are stupid.”
I am asking “Why are you PRESENTING YOURSELF as stupid?”
This strategy has stopped everyone I used it with.
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Free Soft Skill Power Strategy #3
Speaking Words You Want To Hear
Words You Don’t Want To Hear
You
“I’m not sure this makes sense, but…
Other People
“__________ isn’t making sense.”
You
“Maybe I’m confused, but I think…”
Other People
“__________ is confused about…”
You
“I’m not 100% sure, but…”
Other People
“__________ is not 100% sure…”
You
I’m no expert, but…”
Other People
“__________ is no expert…”
Words You Do Want To Hear
You
“This is the sense I’ve made so far…”
Other People
“__________ has made sense of…”
You
“This is what’s clear to me…”
Other People
“__________ is clear on…”
You
“Maybe you could add to what I’ve figured out so far…”
Other People
“__________ is open to new ideas…“
You
“This is what I learned from experience…”
Other People
“__________ experience gave her/him/them these insights…”
Note
I am in the process of creating a DISC behavior style template and a Spranger guiding value template for creating these kind of statements. The templates will allow you to put together words you want to hear about your behavior style and guiding value strengths. They will be available to graduates of this course:
Career Advancement Up / Career Backlash Down
(Loyalty Up / Stereotypes Down)
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© Paula M. Kramer, 2024 to the present.
All rights reserved.
Updated February 8, 2025.