Strategies For Leaving Abusive Relationships
High S Steadiness people are more likely than the other 3 behavior styles to stay in abusive relationships. They are supportive by nature and need steadiness in their lives. Telling them they should leave a relationship threatens their steadiness. Leaving would be easier if they found new steadiness first.
Satisfied Needs Could Create Lead To Positive Change
The son of a friend of mine was in a relationship with a verbally and emotionally abusive woman. As a High S, he needed steadiness in his life. He found it by getting a better job and buying his own car. When he had those 2 new experiences of steadiness in his life, he was able to move to his own apartment and end the abusive relationship.
Telling someone to leave an abusive relationship means telling them to leave the steadiness of their lives without having any new steadiness to go to. Many abuse victims don’t know how to cope without some sort of steadiness in their lives. Help someone leave an abusive relationship by helping them create small spaces of new steadiness first. Work up to bigger spaces of steadiness.
Some abusive relationships are much more difficult to leave than others and provide little room for new forms of steadiness. For those situations, start with this resource:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Satisfying Abusers Needs Could Reduce Abusive Behavior
Keep in mind that abusers have needs and passions as well.
My grandmother raised my mother to believe she could prove herself a worthy woman only as the mother of a son. I was my mother’s second daughter instead of her first son. She saw me as a threat to her image as a mother.
To remove the threat, my mother tried to kill me twice when I was very little. After the attempts to kill me physically failed, she spent the rest of my childhood doing her best to kill me mentally and emotionally. She continued to punish me for being female even after her first son rescued her image.
When my 12 year old daughter and I traveled to that brother’s wedding, the entire family spent days together. My daughter observed, “Grandma seems to be treating you better this time.”
My mother basked in the glory of her favorite child getting married. With her needs and passions satisfied, she could surprise me with niceness.
What You Can Do
If you know the abuser, use the verbal clues to identify their High behavior style and First guiding value. Then do what you can to satisfy their needs and passions.
But keep working on helping the abused person create new steadiness for themselves, whether they are a High S Steadiness or not.
© Paula M. Kramer, 2021 to the present
All rights reserved.